Tuesday, October 14, 2008

It's not "what's not to love?" but, "what won't be loved?"

The Dance Fighter brings up a good point.

"I think part of it was that I was afraid no one would ever love me again as much as he did. And that's wrong! I mean, what does that say about my self esteem?"

And she's right. But I realized as I was kind of fighting her on this that I am not in a good enough place to say anything, and should just be supportive. I honestly recognize that I will be loved again, and that the man I end up being with will love me more and better than anyone before him- he would have to for it to be worth my time and energy.
I think my fear is that certain things will forever go unloved or unnoticed, not me as a whole, but the details that You loved so well.

You refused to call me by the nickname I used to be proud of. Anyone who I call a friend refers to me by this familiarity and for you, it was an insult. A shortening of the name given to me by my parents and a disservice to them, and to me. You called me by my full name, each of the distinct three syllables pronounced.

You gave me your own special name for me, and I think within it, a new identity to be a woman I wanted to be: graceful, flawless, beautiful, talented, with a future of good cooking and polite children, smart, and beguiling. Decca. It's got a history in your family and it held a future for us. It is better than baby, more personal than sweetheart, more meaningful than any other name I've had thus far, other than my own. You and I have the same Idea about what a woman is, about her power. "A man needs somethin he can hold onto...a nine pound hammer or a woman like you. Either one of them things will do." I think I felt all that in Decca.

I am not afraid another man won't find me pretty. I'm not afraid he won't find me smart. Funny? I am afraid of that. It is is a gift to make someone laugh with you, not at you, and we had that.

I like that you always took my flaws and turned them into something you adored. That if I were about to get embarassed about something you would wrap me up and declare the offending characteristic your new favorite thing about me. And I'm pretty positive you meant it.

You diffuse me. I get sassy for no reason, just to pick fights, and no one else has ever dealt with me the way you do. I really need that.

You made me feel like royalty. Not superficially with gifts and compliments, though those were abundant, but with your time, your devotion, the trust you had in me. In your eyes, I could do no wrong. Usually. When I did, you were direct, and it was fixed, and there were no games.

I spent a lot of time with a lot of different people this weekend. I had fun, I enjoyed it. It is hard though, when you have a standard of good company like I do, now. I am not as comfortable, not as real, and not as enchanted around anyone else.

I will get there. I will get there when I let myself get there, and when I am finally honest with Decca that I am still refusing to acknowledge a lot of the things you are not.

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