Thursday, September 10, 2009

Kickin' Myself at Work

Let it be known that this was MY idea.

I mean, it wasn't obviously ONLY my idea, but years and years ago I thought to myself, "I would really like it if our cars had programmable message boards."

I realized, of course, that maybe they'd have to come with preset templates, so as not to allow the idiocy of bumper-sticker culture to cause "I disagree with your position and thus will use my car to ram you into the median now" kinds of accidents. The messages could be templates like:

  • Please be a more courteous driver
  • Your turn signal is on
  • I am single: my phone number is 555-5555
  • I am lost, be patient with me.
The possibilities are really endless.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


"You're now a
crazy lost sad trampled thing
-A loon of crippled wing-
And I have tried, and I have cried, and I have died to be your sling.

I need a map to move from here

-Be elegant, departed-
But I just sink, so I will drink,

and think

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Workin' IT out with Elle Magazine

To treat myself for finally making it to the gym two days in a row, I picked up some light reading material.

Thing is, it isn't light at all, as it's Elle magazine's fall fashion preview and is a bergillion pages thick, which is actually why I purchased it- I thought it was Vogue.

But as I started paging through it in the erratic and desperate way one does when they are dying for distraction during a workout, I couldn't help but be annoyed at every turn.

Let's start with the cover:
I know they must take hundreds of shots of their cover models. I know the editors then pore over the proofs and painstakingly ponder which photo will make the cover for the month, and even that perfect selection undergoes Photoshopping and editing.
Why, then, did they manage to pick a picture of such a beautiful woman that makes her look like an impudent teenager who is trying not to laugh? Seriously, where is her upper lip?? "Jennifer! Aniston" is ALWAYS getting the short end of the stick, people, and even though it appears she's got an exclamation mark for a middle name (which is totes enviable), it has got to thoroughly suck to have your most successful relationship be a fictitious one with a nerdy paleontologist.

Jen, girl, I will always be a Rachel fan, but it is getting hard to root for you because I feel sorry for you...and then I remember you got to nail Brad Pitt for a few years and then I remember how much I love Ange, and then I am just kind of annoyed with you, because why should I feel bad for you? You keep dating these obvious douchemongers - where are Phoebes and Mon to help you keep your head on straight!

Next, this ad caught my attention:
You can't tell as well, here, but the whole thing is very colorful, and the clothes are all sequined and the models are all doing this choreographed gazing-off-longingly-at-the-lighting-crew's-catered-lunch thing...except, lo...behold.... the terribly confused homeless creature who has crept onto the scene to steal the pills out of everyone's giant handbags. What IS that thing? Why is it looking at me like that? How did that get through editing? Why is it only wearing black, and no sequins? WHY IS IT LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?

J. Simp, another John Mayer castoff, also looks confused, here. Probably because she's wondering who the hell let her name her new fragrance, "Fancy Love." She's probably wishing for just about any kind of love, these days... like, I dunno, what's the opposite of "Fancy" love... Taco Bell love? "I've stolen your favorite sweatpants to fart around the house in for 3 days straight now" love? To be honest, I'd probably rather wear those than something that sounds as if it were a brand extension of high-end cat food. Stupid name. Bad branding.

Oh, what's this treat from the folks at Ralph Lauren Collection? Did they ravage the West Burnside Goodwill bins to find that fetching velvet tube Tarzan top and toootally un-tacky sequined scarf? Because I'm pretty sure I saw all that shit there last week and deliberately walked past it. Barf.

Next, we have this little gem from our friends at Guess:
GUESS what? No one has worn GUESS since 7th grade. Take your Canadian Tuxedo- Stripper Edition, and go make some real clothes I actually want to wear.

And finally (though there were probably four dozen other things I could have railed against but didn't have time to scan since The Little Roomie and I discovered that Season 4 of How I Met Your Mother is now On Demand - learn about it), I never ever understand ads like this one:
See, what Movado is cleverly doing here, is this little industry secret called a "celebrity endorsement." Weird, I know? Totally new concept. But again, I am at a loss for how this is helping their brand... this to me says, "If your father is a creepy bigamist -- or-- you don't know who your dad is but by golly you are going to sing your way through that journey of the heart, we think this watch would go nicely next to your face." She's been in like, 2 things! Of all people to represent or endorse your product, at least pick someone who is actually famous! This is a waste of expensive advertising space, and shows a total lack of creativity and vision on the part of Movado. Though I suppose time will tell (see what I did there?)

Things I did like: Tiffany & Co's new line of keys. Gap's reinvention of their denim line. And the interview with John Hamm.

In fact, said interview actually made the $4.99 price of the magazine, and this rant, worth it.